If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”