Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
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When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know