my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
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I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Xylophonist Shredding It