My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
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All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.