“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
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on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
He’s cranky this morning
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
good work, everybody
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Sing it!
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Aw man, but that’s the best part
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*