me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
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Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.