Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
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God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
tinder is all about the long game
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”