I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
You Might Also Like
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment