A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Goat cheese is for herders.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.