14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
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Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013