My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
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me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?