seems like a niche market
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“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
You know…for fall…
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby