Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Waiting for the Charmin
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.