WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
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conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
He just like my cat fr
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem