parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
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A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Yup….perfect score!
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.