My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
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10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.