NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
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Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill