TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
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If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside