ed has no gf cuz sheran away
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Hotels are back
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
based al yankovic
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.