Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
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Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.