If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
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My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Ron is short for Aaronald
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.