Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The Punning Dead.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine