Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
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Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Canada has crack?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I did not eat the cake…
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?