No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
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Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.