WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
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in addition to āblockā and āreportā there should be a button that tells the userās mom what theyāve been posting
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, āYouāre not going to believe this but you are driving a car right nowā
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree š¤¦āāļøš
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Youāre telling me this man will loan me a shark?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Heyā
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
šthis is so true
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: thatās the element of surprise
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a āfresh startā and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, heād never hear the end of it.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Festive toon…
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
āIām gonna sneak past you.ā No youāre not. Youāve alerted me.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, canāt stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, thereās this plutoniumā¦
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like iām anxious just writing this tweet tbh.