After 35, your body ages in dog years
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Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?