Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
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I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”