Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
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Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
the official breakfast of 2021
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.