At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
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doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.