I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
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Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
The most important meal of the day is the next one
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?