mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
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When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
He just like my cat fr
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day