That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
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Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist