my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
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I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.