Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
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My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.