My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
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The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
When he asks for feet pics
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
sir, my pâté if you please