Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
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ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right