*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
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During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
She: I like Cats
He:
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence