*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
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Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
No chill.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years