Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
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[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.