Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
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For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.