she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
You Might Also Like
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime