Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
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I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?