her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.