[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
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A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early