Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken