Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
We’re all getting idioter.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach