Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
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An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
wtf is a larm clock?
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
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