Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
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Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
💯😂
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???