whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
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One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: Itâs our anniversary.
Itâs funny howâespecially in small townsâwe think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple wonât steal any more of my chairs.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess Iâll stick to being human
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Me: Iâm pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because thereâs a baby inside me
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why arenât you angry? Whatâs your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? Iâm always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! Iâm Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, Iâm Dad
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I havenât been able to pee in months
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure đ
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
âI totally didnât say that.â – God
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
No, he would not have.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers youâre such a transparent tool.