Don’t tell me what to do
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Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Comparing yourself to others
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.